I am a Pharisee

It's been dawning on me for a while.the light was dim but slowly brightening.the thought that the plain people are today's religious elite as perceived by the uninformed public that does not actually know us.they love our simple minds and backward ways and our "gentle" spirits.if they only knew us.to them we are the salt of the earth.....And we are proud to "humbly " accept that distinction.
We are the modern day Pharisees.
But I didn't see it in myself.only saw it in others.now one thing I've learned is that a reoccurring "flaw"that shows up in others is a vibrant sign of a beam in my own eye.but I chugged along happily oblivious to it.
Then I went to contemporary Christian concert last Thursday.loved their music and was looking forward to it.a band called the "Newsboys"made famous by the Gods Not Dead movies.and I came face to face with my pharisee self.
I found myself judging everyone there and disqualifying them from heaven based on their outward appearance.i had been doing this my whole life but had never faced it.i judged them on jewelry,on lack of head coverings,on tattoos,on what I considered immodest clothes,on a lack of respect for "real gospel music",their actions,their weight,their looks,the way they talked.none of them were like me and they weren't good enough.
Then the light bulb went on.
I AM a Pharisee
I was born and raised to be a Pharisee.
I was taught to be a Pharisee.
I loved judging others.
I loved being superior,not "of the world".
I loved being a "religious elite"
And last but not least of all.........I realized I was pathetic.
So pray for me.

Tonight

  Tonight it happened.it was building up again all week.the big weekend that no one else knew about.the weekend that cut me apart.every year I struggle.the last weekend in June.the night I faced the darkness and my Father saved me.
  It all started with a girl.for the record I do not blame her and I have forgiven her but I fear she has far more to forgive me for.i grew up in a very chaotic home.there was no security or safe place anywhere.this caused me to become very self sufficient and highly anxious on the inside.a safe place where I was loved and accepted unconditionally was my heart's desire.so Satan comes up with this brilliant idea and makes me believe it's in a relationship with the girl.well push comes to shove,my self sufficiency and my lack of trust caused me to walk away from the only time I had found it.i broke up with her and dealt with it how real men did......they don't.
  So it goes on.i finally wake from my stupor and try to regain what I had thrown away.what I desired.but it was too late.she had moved on with life and I was the man on the outside.(I am thankful today that she moved on or she would have spent the rest of her life trying to fill a hole that only a Saviour can fill.unconditional love and acceptance.)
  So Satan saw an opportunity.a young man,heart broken,alone,walls around him so tall Goliath couldn't breech them,and drowning in so much self pity that it almost spilled over the top.so he convinced me I was a loser.unloveable.and I believed him.
  So 6 years ago,june 2010,we headed for country stampede.drowned myself in alcohol and more alcohol.on Friday night I was ejected for overindulgence and headed home.the fuse was lit and the only thing left was the explosion.saturday helped my boss move and Saturday night went and had a few beers with a friend.he offered me a pill and I popped it.didnt know what it was and still don't.just plain didn't care.
  Came home,grabbed my brothers 44 revolver, put 1 bullet in,and headed off to define my purpose in life.to see if God was alive.i was 19 years old and hated everything.myself the most.found a spot down by the creek,scratched a good bye in the sand and commenced to jump into the darkest place of my life.
  Spun the cylinder,held it up,looked in the barrel.no bullet.put the gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger.click.repeated the process 3 more times.round number 5 when I looked in the barrel it was there.i lost my nerve and spun again.this time I didn't look.gun in mouth,pull the trigger,click.did it again.click.now I was scared and faced with the fact the God was alive.he wanted me.got up broken and headed home.on the way home i stopped again.spin,insert,click.no more doubt that I'm here for a reason.
  Went home woke my parents and started the long road to meeting my Father and Saviour.it was awesome.all the acceptance and love I could handle.except for every year the cloud came back.end of June.the darkness attacks,the anxiety swells, the fear returns.leaving me dead on the inside.
  So tonight I went back.went back down the road.the darkness is powerless.my Saviour is in firm control.i went back and repented.my self pity.my anger.my unbelief.i talked to God about it.i repented from believing Satan's lies that I am a loser and unlovable.i asked God to give me back the piece of my heart I left down by the creek 6 years ago.i need it back.
  I found closure,found my heart,and walked away.free and justified.created in the image my Creator made me.i put my hand to the plow and never looked back....
  This is my story,this is my song,praising my Saviour,all the day long.......

The Reawakening

  well I'm back.after 2 years.its been a journey.
  The first order of business is to reveal my identity.
  John Edward Graber
  761 SW 68th Ave
  Jamesport MO 64648
I turn the ripe age of 25 tomorrow.May 25th 2016.What a run.What a life.
I am hoping to resurrect this blog in order to try and become a writer and someday write a best seller(ha ha).so if any actually reads this than please let me know(just kidding).I am hoping to use this as a platform to educate and expound on my lifestyle and spiritual journey.i am not bashful of sharing my opinion as you will note in some of my previous writings.
  So we're going to cut it short with a simple:
  H.I.
  Hello

The Fearless Leader

  He is in the passenger seat of the 15 passenger van.after 5 weeks of manuring barns and and tedious labor he is finally free.his black felt hat bent up in the front and a tattered road atlas with which he dispenses needless route finding wisdom, he is on the road!"he" is an Amish man on the road again.
  It is interesting at how Amish men react once they are in a motor vehicle.they seem to find a new persona that is all about the open road and freedom.I think the frustration of watching a horse's hind end builds up to a cresendo and at the drop of a hat (3rd cousins wedding, dear great aunt sadies funeral, or the great spokane valley produce growers reunion) they hit the road with family in tow.
  After sweating and scrimping every day, all frugality flies out the window once the the key turns in the ignition.the milage fee the taxi driver charges them has no impact on them.they remind me of a drunken sailor on leave at port after six months at sea.they go everywhere!
Go here   Go there  no expense is spared and every shirt tail cousin In the community they are visiting is graced with their presence.they are at one place for dinner, the next for supper, then on to the next to spend the night.
  It is a common trick of the alpha male who gets the trip together and arranges the taxi driver to cram as many warm bodies imto the vehicle as possible.these warm bodies are fare paying relatives who lower the cost so he can go flying down the highway.once their destination is reached , the lower echelon is dropped and ditched at various houses until at last! It is just the alpha male and his family and the poor sleep deprived driver.then the fun begins....
  A few days later the van returns and the family returns to work.he's standing out in the barnyard, pitch fork in hand ,as a van goes past filled with neighbors heads out.a small tear rolls down his cheek as he sadly loads another load of cow manure.....
  The fun is over and back to reality.

Machets gute

The Double Tragedy

Well its happened again.a young man innocent as a bluebird here today and gone tomorrow. No explanation or reason.just another stat in the nexts days obituaries.
But its a tragedy. A real genuine gut twisting deep empty tragedy for the people who he leaves behind.its not just another stat.it is very real.many days of haunting emptiness and hopelessness are ahead.but things get better and things heal.time and love are the only cure for that kind of hole in a human heart.
But this raised a question for myself (everytime tragedys happen as a survivor you go through the same process of all those emotions again) what if my brother died for a reason? To show me something in my life that I needed correcting? And what if 5 years later, 10 years later, 30 years later, and up until the day I pass on,I have my head stuck in the eternal sands of selfishness and I never see why? And his death was all in tragic vain because it did me no good?
Wouldn't that actually be a bigger tragedy than my brother dying in the middle of a cold Iowa cornfield in the middle of the night?
I don't think God punishes people by striking loved ones from their life with a righteous wrath.but I do believe when he allows something like this to happen, he is asking each and every one of us to look inside of ourselves and do a little soul searching.not my neighbor, the guy beside me, or the guy one row over with a booze habit.Me.
So the question I have for myself and you is; do I really want to be a participator in a bigger tragedy? The loss of my loved one in vain?

Machets gute

My Pride

  It is funny how our biggest strengths often are also our biggest weaknesses.My pride is my Achilles heal.
  It is a strong,stubborn spirit that has got me thru many tough spots and also got me into many tough spots.it has hurt a lot of people that meant a lot to me but I never expressed my emotion or appreciation due to my pride.that would have required me knocking down some of my walls and and emotionally going out on a limb.
 
" NOOOOOO "shouts my pride.
  Pansy

  The Amish lifestyle in general does not encourage open forms of emotional appreciation such as "love you"and "miss you"and other such verbal encouragement.you become used to it and accept it and personally,I don't feel its all that bad.but an occasional one wouldn't hurt.
  " NOOOOOO"shouts my pride.
  When it comes to pride I got it with both barrels.on my fathers side ,we come from Daviess County, Indiana with a strong sense of our Swiss forefathers determination and backbone.
  On my mothers side its just as bad.my grandmother was pretty much a local legend for her grit and stubbornness.grandfather died of cancer and she raised the family up on her own thru sheer willpower.
  Genetically speaking,I'm screwed.
  My pride has kept me from holding little babies,hugging my family members and telling them I care,and overall kept me from being all that I can be.at my own brothers funeral I went thru the entire thing without shedding a tear.sheer pride.
  I never will be at peace until I harness my pride and pigheadedness and they become an asset,not a burden.

Machets gute

One Mans Wrath

note;for the sake of confidentuality the surname, for the main character in my little stories,is called Joe

part 1 [age 16] Poor Joe.He is in a very tough spot for a young man to be in.his father does not want to be amish and his mother escapes through alcohol.he is very confused and hurt at a critical point in his formative years due to his father leaving because he does not like the Amish lifestyle.it does not appear that his father even loves him.He realizes that his father is a monster and probably not the nicest person and as the first currents of a bitter,burning rage sweaps thru him he angrily vows that he will NOT be like his father.
  So when his father offers to buy him a brand new automobile to entice him to leave the Amish ,he tells him to bug off and turns him down.(being in the 1940s,this is a very impressive act for a young 16 year old kid to turn his back on a new car )
  He likes the Amish lifestyle but he joins the Amish church moreso to spite his father.he gets a quiet satisfaction from getting his revenge on his father by joining the church his father left.This is his first mistake.

part 2 [age 22]Joe is newly married to a nice quiet Amish girl.And as he stands there watching the birth of his first son he silently vows;"This son WILL grow up to be Amish like me.All that i have sacrificed to be Amish,then he better damn well be Amish to.He will grow up,marry,and give me many Amish grandchildren or else" This attitude is his second mistake.

part 3[age 30] He now has 8 children.His second to oldest son,who is 6,has accidentally broken a lantern while out helping do chores.he must be punished.so Joe grabs a strap and commences to beat his poor scared young son who has no idea what he did wrong or why his father is beating him with so much anger.visiting cousins watch in stunned horror as his son rolls across the floor crying and screaming in pain as Joe follows him,beating,beating ,beating......Joe does not realize he is doing anything wrong so you cannot really blame him.In his mind he is purifying his young son thru phsyical disciplent so that his son will NEVER grow up to be a monster like Joes father.This is not the first time it happens nor the last.Many minor offences are remedied by spanking his children as a smoldering righteous wrath sweeps thru him.In a twisted way he loves his children so much that he tries to physically beat the evil right out of them.This is his 3rd mistake.

part 4[age 45]Poor Joe.His wife died leaving him with 12 children.so he remarried a widow woman who has 4 children of her own.After all hes been thru hes becoming suspiciuos that God hates him.As much as hes tried to purify his children from evil,its not working.His oldest children have reached the age where he can no longer phsyically disciplne them.They respect him and fear him yes,but they are always getting into trouble and are running off and buying cars and drinking beer.Joe is very confused ,he does not understand why.And he is angry.After all hes been thru and all the sacrifices hes made to be Amish,these rotten little bastards arent listening.so he turns around and tries even harder on his younger children.there is nothing that a good spanking cant fix.

part 5[age 55]Poor Joe.the wheels are coming off the bus.besides one hiccup on his 3rd son,it had looked like his harsh disciplent had paid off.after going out into the world most of his children had returned and joined the Amish church due to his tough love[he thought].The more harsher truth is that most of his children joined the Amish church because they were scared of him yet and they wanted to get him off their ass.So they dont really understand the church they are joining or what it stands for but do it because they want to please their father and earn some acceptance in his eyes.and also to escape his physcological abuse.He is proud.IT WORKED.due to all his hard work his children have joined the Amish church.But there is trouble.
 Due to his children joining the Amish church for mostly the wrong reasons and not really understanding what their father ordered them to believe,they slowly but surely become disenchanted and start to leave one by one untill over the years,out of his 12 blood children,only 4 remain Amish.

present day [age 76]As the poor lonely,empty old man sits in his recliner scouring his Bible to reenforce his ideals and convictions so that he does not have to admit he did anything wrong,he is sad and confused.Most of his children live 100s of miles away and only come to see him on the holidays or for a few days at a time.he is very lonely because he does not have a close emotional relationship with any of his children.he can connect with them on talk of business and the weather but when it comes to actual emotions and words like "i love you" and "im sorry i screwed up" its just not there.he is sad because all that he worked so hard for is empty.most of his children and his grandchildren are not Amish.his legacy is shot.


i pity this old man.as he sits there sad and lonely in his last days,he could fix stuff.he could call all his children home and tell them"im sorry.i didnt treat you right when you were children.i screwed up.will you please forgive me?" the opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation is there.he could die a happy man surrounded by 16 children who forgave him and love him.but he cant.his pride would never allow him to acknowledge him to admit hes wrong.he has become the very monster that his father was.Poor Joe.


In hindsight his biggest mistake?he never understood the power of leading by example and inspiring his children to join the Amish church for the right reasons.he chose the path of wrath and force.

  Machets Gute