Tonight

  Tonight it happened.it was building up again all week.the big weekend that no one else knew about.the weekend that cut me apart.every year I struggle.the last weekend in June.the night I faced the darkness and my Father saved me.
  It all started with a girl.for the record I do not blame her and I have forgiven her but I fear she has far more to forgive me for.i grew up in a very chaotic home.there was no security or safe place anywhere.this caused me to become very self sufficient and highly anxious on the inside.a safe place where I was loved and accepted unconditionally was my heart's desire.so Satan comes up with this brilliant idea and makes me believe it's in a relationship with the girl.well push comes to shove,my self sufficiency and my lack of trust caused me to walk away from the only time I had found it.i broke up with her and dealt with it how real men did......they don't.
  So it goes on.i finally wake from my stupor and try to regain what I had thrown away.what I desired.but it was too late.she had moved on with life and I was the man on the outside.(I am thankful today that she moved on or she would have spent the rest of her life trying to fill a hole that only a Saviour can fill.unconditional love and acceptance.)
  So Satan saw an opportunity.a young man,heart broken,alone,walls around him so tall Goliath couldn't breech them,and drowning in so much self pity that it almost spilled over the top.so he convinced me I was a loser.unloveable.and I believed him.
  So 6 years ago,june 2010,we headed for country stampede.drowned myself in alcohol and more alcohol.on Friday night I was ejected for overindulgence and headed home.the fuse was lit and the only thing left was the explosion.saturday helped my boss move and Saturday night went and had a few beers with a friend.he offered me a pill and I popped it.didnt know what it was and still don't.just plain didn't care.
  Came home,grabbed my brothers 44 revolver, put 1 bullet in,and headed off to define my purpose in life.to see if God was alive.i was 19 years old and hated everything.myself the most.found a spot down by the creek,scratched a good bye in the sand and commenced to jump into the darkest place of my life.
  Spun the cylinder,held it up,looked in the barrel.no bullet.put the gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger.click.repeated the process 3 more times.round number 5 when I looked in the barrel it was there.i lost my nerve and spun again.this time I didn't look.gun in mouth,pull the trigger,click.did it again.click.now I was scared and faced with the fact the God was alive.he wanted me.got up broken and headed home.on the way home i stopped again.spin,insert,click.no more doubt that I'm here for a reason.
  Went home woke my parents and started the long road to meeting my Father and Saviour.it was awesome.all the acceptance and love I could handle.except for every year the cloud came back.end of June.the darkness attacks,the anxiety swells, the fear returns.leaving me dead on the inside.
  So tonight I went back.went back down the road.the darkness is powerless.my Saviour is in firm control.i went back and repented.my self pity.my anger.my unbelief.i talked to God about it.i repented from believing Satan's lies that I am a loser and unlovable.i asked God to give me back the piece of my heart I left down by the creek 6 years ago.i need it back.
  I found closure,found my heart,and walked away.free and justified.created in the image my Creator made me.i put my hand to the plow and never looked back....
  This is my story,this is my song,praising my Saviour,all the day long.......